Why 'back to school' can often feel like a mixed bag

Photo by Matt Ragland on Unsplash

September and the start of a new academic year can often bring mixed feelings for parents and children alike. But what’s really going on for us as we take those gorgeous back to school front door photos and tackle the first school run of the new school year? And how do we manage the balance between our own, sometimes conflicting and contradictory feelings whilst navigating what our children need from us at this potentially tricky time? 

The new school year is an A* example of what Dr Katherine Milkman describes as a ‘Temporal Landmark’. Similar to birthdays and the New Year, it’s a clear marker of the passing of time. Children are starting the next year group up, most likely with a new teacher, new classroom, maybe a new playground, and for some a whole new school. This unconscious confrontation of the passing time, is a subtle reminder that ‘the days are long and the years short’ (Gretchen Rubin) and perhaps this is never more evident than after the summer holidays which at times can feel endless as we reach towards the start of a brand new school year. 

With so much pressure heading into the holidays of providing perfect summers, full of wholesome activities, family festivals, holidays and fun filled day trips, the reality can often look very different. These picture perfect ideals often hold very little space for the reality of juggling limited annual leave with additional childcare needs.
The long days, additional stresses and financial costs, adjusting and adapting to a change of regular routine at the start, sibling squabbles, concerns over screen time and a never ending request for snacks against a sound track of ‘I’m booooored’ on repeat can all feature. 

It’s no wonder parents can often be found heading towards the school gate on the first morning back in September with an additional spring in their step, a sense of elation that they survived and life is returning to normal.  However for many, alongside this relief may sit guilt and internal judgement that they are feeling this way, with a sense that they really ‘shouldn’t’ be feeling this, that they ‘should’ love and enjoy all aspects of parenting. But loving your children and loving all the different parts of parenting are two very different things indeed. 

What can be challenging for parents is carrying these feelings alongside another set of very different and opposing feelings that might also be there. Those joyful memories of the summer just passed, and a mourning of the freedom and liberation from the school schedule, of the 6 week reprieve from the sometimes never ending school letters, reply slips and demands of homework and numerous after school clubs.

It can be difficult to hold 2 such very opposing and contradictory feelings around the same event. It becomes a case not of ‘either, or’, but of ‘both’. Of feeling elated you’ve survived and full of gratitude the start of term has arrived, and sad the summer is over.  Mixed feelings can feel complex, and leave us not totally sure of quite where we’re at. 

And whilst our internal landscape is battling to hold this subtle confrontation of the passing of time, alongside the conflicting feelings of joy and sadness about the start of the new year, parents have the additional demand of supporting their children through a significant transition into a new school year.

It can be a huge amplification of the Sunday Scaries, and children and teens, with their developing prefrontal cortexes need the additional adult support and co-regulation to navigate this phase. To contain the excitement and soothe the anxiety. This naturally takes priority, but it can leave us little space to work out and reflect on what’s really going on for us.  

Dr Milkman also writes about ‘The Fresh Start Effect’. That temporal landmarks give us nudges to evaluate our lives and behaviours, set goals and make changes. This can be a hugely positive thing, and we may find ourselves entering the new school year with renewed intentions of good routines, effective organisation and exciting lunch box contents. But perhaps some other things to consider for the start of this new school year, might be around our awareness of and self compassion for what’s going on for us just beneath the surface. Not just as parents, but beyond these roles, as whole people too, as we navigate and support our children through these short school years.